Jim the fish
by Madam Callisto
Summary: A spin on how the mini episode "Night and the Doctor" might have gone if 'Jim the fish' was actually a Jim from another of Moffat's works. Pure stupid crack.


_A/N: An extremely stupid piece of crack I wrote based on one of the mini episodes from Doctor who season five. I blame Moffat. I mean, Jim the fish...Jim Moriarty, it makes perfect sense!_

* * *

"_Would you mind not spinning me?" _Jim asked—or rather tried to ask. It came out as a series of bubbles that floated up to the top of his bowl.

The strange tuxedo-clad man below him stopped his incessant spinning around in circles long enough to shove his face right up next to the glass. Through the transparent surface the mans absurd smile looked comically large.

"Well, hello,_" _The man said, "You are _defiantly_ not the queen."

"_Not even slightly" _Jim said_, "though I do look damn good in her jewels." _

"Jewels?" The man spun a random dial on the massive collection of switches in the middle of whatever room they were in with his free hand, "Oh, you must be a fish from 'present day' England. No, the queen I'm looking for isn't from your time, and she isn't really a fan of the whole wearing the crown and jewels thing anyway. Probably for the best since I don't think it'd fit very well over those lovely antennae. Though she is a fan of the cape. I think she's a little embarrassed to show her tentacles in public—"

"_That's all very fascinating but why am I a goldfish?"_

"Were you not a goldfish before?" Jim tried to shake his head and ended up doing a little fish dance, "Ooo, that's interesting. Two separate people becoming fish at the same time…this is getting good. Sorry but I don't know why you're a fish. Not yet anyway. So I if you aren't the queen then who are you?"

"_It's considered rude not to introduce yourself first isn't it? At least for humans anyway, which I'm guessing you're not? Not many human speak fish." _Jim said.

The man laughed, "Sorry was that supposed to sound sort of creepy and insightful? Because my Goldfishian is a little rusty and everything you say just comes out sounding very silly."

Jim blew out a particularly large bubble in annoyance.

"Alright then I'll give you the short version." The man cleared his throat, "My names the Doctor, you can call me Doctor. I'm a doctor. This is my ship. She's called the TARDIS that stands for Time and Relative Dimensions in Space. It travels though time and relative dimensions in space. You've probably noticed _it's bigger on the inside _but that's not really relevant to you being a fish. Yes, I'm not a human. I'm a Time Lord. We're aliens. Now enough about me, I'm boring. Who are you?"

"…_Well that was something. I'm Jim Moriarty."_

"Hello Jim." The Doctor said happily, "Now how did you end up in the queens' bowl?"

_Bloop. "This isn't Hell by any chance is it?"_

"Nope, it's my space ship. I thought we went over this?"

"_I didn't think so but I had to ask. You see, before I was here I was shooting myself in the head."_

The Doctor kicked something on the opposite side of what Jim now assumed to be his steering mechanism, "Yet here you are: on my ship."

"_It looks that way."_

"Not having the best day are we?"

"_Quite the contrary, I've always wanted to be a fish."_

"I know you're new to whole fish-situation but conveying tone doesn't really work very well in your language. Was that supposed to be sarcasm?"

"_Yes. So do all Time Lord speak Fish?" _

"Don't be a Species-ist Jim, I don't speak Fish. I just speak Goldfish, and Tetra, and little bit of Bass. My accents absolutely awful though."

"_Good for you. So what happens to me now?"_

The Doctor placed Jim's bowl down with a sigh and took off the top hat we has wearing, "I take you back to your time and your body and we both move on."

Jim nodded his goldfish head, "_Fair enough," _that was to be expected. He hadn't shot himself in the head expecting to wake up in a fish bowl anyway. The natural order needed to be restored, and that meant him dying not…whatever the hell this was.

"Though it'll probably have to wait until I can find the queen…" The Doctor said suddenly, "And that might take a little while…"

_Bloop, "So I'll be sticking around?"_

"Just until I can get the queen back to her son."

"_Guess that's alright." _Jim said.

It was probably a good thing that he didn't have lips to smile with, and that it was very hard for a goldfish to laugh, because otherwise the Doctor might have had cause for concern.


End file.
